How can I help my child with anxiety?
Despite teenagers' reputation for fierce independence and apparently carefree behaviour, anxiety is a problem for growing numbers. Increased concern with how they are seen by others and an awareness of the future pile on the worries. Meanwhile, connections between the emotional centres of the brain and the "thinking" prefrontal cortex are slow to develop, meaning that it can be hard for teens to recognise why they are feeling the way they are and what to do about it. Emotions that in adulthood we are able to take in our stride are far more likely to become overwhelming.
Whether the problem is social anxiety, generalised worry or school stress, psychological therapy can be helpful, but is not a substitute for a relationship with a thoughtful and available parent or other adult. If you suspect your child might be struggling with an anxiety-related problem and you're unsure how to talk to them about it, here are three ideas that can help.
1. Validate the feelings
You may have tackled anxiety yourself and have a whole raft of great tips for managing it, but your teenager isn't going take your advice unless they really feel you understand what anxiety is like for them. Noticing and naming anxiety at the right time is key to creating trust that you have information that might be helpful. It's important to let your child correct you if you've got it wrong.
"I noticed that you haven't mentioned that party you've been invited to this weekend - I wonder if you're feeling a bit unsure about whether to go?"
"Exams can be really frightening, especially when we don't know what will come up. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach just thinking about it. What's it like for you?"
"If I was in your shoes, I might be wondering whether the people will be nice at college, or if I'll fit in. Is that something that's on your mind?"
When you say these things, the message you're giving your child is, It's ok to feel this way - we can handle it. Once they've received this message, they'll be much more likely to take on board anything else you have to offer.
2. Help them find ways to stay calm
As our emotional temperature rises, the thinking part of our brain begins to go offline and use of coping strategies becomes harder. That's why planning or even practising ways to calm down ahead of a stressful situation is so important.
Distraction can help young people to quiet anxious thoughts and get through a difficult situation; this might include counting backwards from 100 in 7s, naming items in a category or visualising a safe place. Grounding techniques are methods for getting out of our head and back in touch with the here and now, like focusing on a comforting smell or a tactile object, splashing the face with cold water, or mentally describing our surroundings. Most teenagers are never far from their phones, and there are now some fantastic apps designed to provide immediate help and teach relaxation and mindfulness skills. Search Calm, WorryTree or MindShift in the Android or Apple app stores for some examples.
Although parents sometimes worry that use of coping strategies can become an unhealthy crutch, use of these methods over time will build confidence and lay down the neural pathways that eventually allow young people to effectively regulate their own emotions.
3. Tackle avoidance (gently)
When we successfully avoid a feared situation, we experience relief from all the unpleasant thoughts and feelings we had about it. See, says our brain, that situation was dangerous - see how much better you feel for not doing it! This has the unintended effect of confirming our anxiety and makes the pattern even harder to break next time. Cognitive behavioural therapy focuses on reversing this process, exposing us to feared situations in a way that feels manageable.
If a situation (going to school, sitting an exam, making new friends) feels like too much, consider how you could work up to this step-by-step. Try to identify some small task that feels just about manageable but still like progress. For example, a teen feeling very anxious about going to school might start by making the journey to the school gates, visiting outside of lesson times and meeting a teacher, or attending just for a single lesson. Even imagining a feared situation in detail can be a step forward.
Finally, agreeing a plan for if a situation becomes too overwhelming can provide enough security to take the first step. Knowing that it's ok to call or text for a pick-up, to wake someone up in the night or ask to step outside for a few minutes helps young people to feel they are kept in mind by grown-ups who have their back.
Anxiety is normal; struggling to do everyday tasks because of it is not. If you're worried that your child's worries are out of control, contact their GP or book an appointment with an expert to discuss the support available.